I'm speaking for myself of course. I don’t know what my life would be like without having had the guidance these many years from my Buddhist minded therapist, Heather Bourne, at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston.
The most profound lesson through my limited, but ever expanding Buddhist learning, has been acceptance and I can see how this vital element is rooted in so many aspects of Buddhist teachings and life.
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| A little stuck? That's me! To the left of the red truck and barn you can barely see my car |
This little vignette is based on my carrying a hurt and someone else not knowing, perhaps, that I feel so deeply affected by an action, or lack of. Do I bring it up, weeks onwards? Maybe not, maybe, maybe not yet, maybe never. I read somewhere never to take things personally, and while this is true, it does not stop my feelings from wandering....
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| It's never over till its over, my road less traveled |
That judgment thing is a tough one sometimes to get through. The thing is, my therapist advised me "you cannot talk someone else into having the same values as yourself". Heather gently guided me in how to resolve my fragile/strong self. I’m one of those people that do not shove a problem under the carpet and I strive to live my life on a straight, empathetic path. Sometimes the path needs to swerve radically as compassion has more hills than you'd think I've come to learn. When problems such as this come up, I want to find solutions and move forward, not bury it under a carpet, where for me it festers. So it’s tricky when dealing with someone else who does just that, and maybe that's the only way they can cope at that moment. The world is full of a myriad of different values, maybe like the color spectrum, definitely not ever white or black. Heather told me last week, “If we assume our values are right for everyone, we will be constantly disappointed, and likely perceived as alienating and moralistic”. She also suggested “it is a mistake to assume others have the same values (and neurology), as you”. Such wise words, so easy to forget in the moment, or all the time.
What do you do when you feel hurt by someone else’s action, or non-action? I know not to blame, I learned that useful tool many years ago. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling slighted when the dark cloud lingers, which seems eternally, hoping a rainfall might clear the air and the flowers will shine again and smile, and all will be cozy and well in friendship as it was.
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| Golly, it feels cold sometimes |
Heather asked me to ask myself, “Does this person guard my heart well enough?” “Have they earned my investment in this conversation (based on experience?). Is it a conversation that might build our relationship?" Heather asks me gently, when I ask her, "It's not in my ball park, but do I bring it up?".
As I came to understand all this bigger picture, I suddenly lost the need to discuss my pain with my friend, to even let her know how I feel, realizing they may never understand it, or accept it, or even see how it happened. They may or may not want to bother to fix my pain, that leaves me to fix it myself. The road to that is also nuanced. A simple thank you and I’m so sorry would suffice for me, but sometimes that’s asking a lot from someone who hasn’t got it to give, or simply doesn’t want to. I’ve apologized for my percentage of the problem, but I’ve heard nothing back on that per se. However, it is valuable to pay attention for they have “put money in the bank” as my therapist refers to some sort of investment into the friendship. Sometimes that is the best they can do. Or the best they can do for a while. I can be fine with that.
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| "There are no problems, only solutions", my dear friend Henry Lincoln tells me |
I’m hovering though still… over the question, “Does this person guard my heart well enough?”. There lay an important answer, staring me in the face. The sense of intimacy that friendship seemed to hold suddenly shifted into perspective, the perspective of a different reality to the one I had previously imagined it to be, neither good nor bad, just what "is". Aha! I thought. This is where acceptance comes in. My willingness to continue as before has also shifted though, and everything is different, including how I see the world today, just from yesterday. I need to guard my own heart a little tighter here. I did suddenly have another profoundly important realization that came out of all of this and makes me grateful even, for all the pain: I must also guard the heart of those I love, (including my friend who led to this pain), to question if I have earned their investment in me as a friend, a mother, a partner, a sister. It’s a big one. Guarding the heart. The sentinel of love. Simple as that.
| A sweet French sentinel warms my heart fin |
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